Personality Conflicts

by Don Harkey

Have you ever heard the story of the eagle and the snake? I'm going to butcher it, but the story as I remember it is simple. A snake asks an eagle for a ride across a wide canyon. The eagle hesitates knowing that the snake is poisonous and refuses. The snake pleads his case promising not to bite the eagle until finally the eagle agrees. Half way across the canyon, the snake bites the eagle. As the two fall into the canyon, the eagle asks "why?". The snake replies, "because I'm a snake and you knew I was snake when you picked me up".

I don't know why, but that story sticks with me as I work with people. I don't think many people are snakes (although some are!), but I do believe that people have a certain hardwired personality. Sure people can make choices on what they do and how they carry themselves, but underlying every decision is a "personal current". This personal current is often both a strength and a weakness. Let me give you an example of someone I know pretty well... me.

I am what is known as a strategic thinker. I look at a situation and immediately work to put it into context. I then formulate a series of next steps in my head that will lead to the desired outcome. Seriously, that's what is happening in my brain hundreds of times a day.

When I am working with a client, this is a strength. I am constantly taking in information and converting it to a comprehensive action plan that will help get the client to where they want (or need) to go. I can facilitate a staff or board meeting and help the team look at things a different way that will lead them to action. I can see the "big picture" when looking at a process. I can move all of the pieces in my head before we act and judge the best course of action.

Sometimes, this is a weakness. In my interaction with some people, I often play out their responses to situations that haven't yet occurred and sometimes I am disappointed in what I think their response will be. That's a little crazy, right? I have walked into meetings with people angry before we even get started because I anticipate their reaction to the meeting. This also makes me very impatient when I can see a clear course of action and I have to spend my time convincing others to move. A great (and too common) issue I run into is when my wife tells me of a problem and I immediately lay out 10 part solution (hint to guys out there... she was not looking for a solution).

The good news is I know these things about myself (thanks in part to personality profiling like Myers-Briggs and Strengthsfinder) and can use my strength to control my actions and responses. If I feel myself getting angry at an anticipated response, I tell myself to calm down or imagine the negative reaction I will get if I come in with my "guns blazing". I am successful some of the time (more as I get older), but I still mess up from time to time.

You can see what I mean, right? Everyone has this internal, hardwired way of approaching and processing inputs and yielding outputs. Or to put it a slightly less nerdy way, different strokes for different folks!

The mistake that often occurs within an organization is that people latch on to each others flaws and expect them to change. It is OK to expect people to try to control themselves, but it is not reasonable to expect people to "rewire" themselves. If someone on your team likes to talk too much, they will always like to talk too much. You won't change that, but you can help them to control it. That means that they can control themselves in certain situations, but that also means that YOU can't become sensitive to every time the person opens their mouth.

Approach personality issues with understanding and know that it is a hardwired issue. I have used the term "hardwired" enough that I need to draw the distinction of what I mean. The "hard wiring" of an electric device is the physical wires and components. You can reprogram the computer over and over, but changing its fundamental operation is much more difficult. For people, brains are making hardwired connections at an incredible pace from a few months in the womb to about age 5 or 6. After that, the hard connections are still occurring, but they are MUCH slower than before. This means that you pretty much have to work with what you've got.

This also means that you pretty much have to work with what your co-workers and employees have. An employee who is quick to anger will likely always be quick to anger. A boss who snaps at employees when he feels threatened will likely always have that desire to snap. The opportunity for improvement lies in understanding (from others) and control (of themselves). This can built through awareness using tools like Strengthsfinder (see the book on Amazon).

My main point here is that you can work with a snake, just don't put him in a position where if he bites, you end up falling into the canyon. Be realistic about what people can do and control and most of all, be patient (something I work on every day!).